Hello all I think its time for another post as I was able to get back into the gym on Monday. Ronnie said he felt bad for me but we ALL know these trainers have a tendency to stretch the truth and I am going to give you some examples here in this Blog.
Monday: Let me just start with getting up at 5:45 is ridiculous and those of you who have been doing it for the better part of your lives don’t even fucking start trying to defend this lunacy. I want to see the damn sun when I wake up. I mean maybe I am just crazy but that big yellow thing in the sky shining light down on us seems just a bit fucking happier than some dark ass shit with frogs and crickets still singing to each other. But anyway grabbed an Advocare Spark, took a core plex Multi-Vitamin and left AGAIN without my Banana (but turned around and got it) and took my NOT SO HAPPY ass to the gym.
Arrived to find my man Ronnie putting together my routine for the workout. I can’t even imagine what time this dude is up in the morning thinking of ways to KICK my ASS. Today is going to be mostly a cardio workout I THOUGHT and we began on that damn rowing machine. Ronnie keeps telling me ‘this is going to be your friend’, however I don’t know a damn soul I hate more than that damn rowing machine. Two minutes on that son of a bitch and I am feeling pretty good but leave it up to Ol’ Ronnie to not let that shit last very long. ‘Come over here to this ROPE and here is what I want you to do’. The whole time he is talking I am like “ROPE????” “What the fuck are you talking about ROPE”? “I have seen a damn ROPE before”. “In fact I have multiple ROPES on both of my boats and not a FUCKING ONE looks like THAT”!! I mean this fucking ROPE looked like it was used to lower the USS North Carolina into the damn channel from a JUMBO helicopter by its damn self. SO while I wanted to work on his and my definition of ROPE, Ronnie didn’t seem to give a shit as he made me grab that bitch with both hands and start FLOPPING it up and down while……..get this shit……stepping up onto a block of some sort with one foot then two then back down again from left to fucking right. OH and don’t forget I got to keep FLOPPING this damn ROPE. All I could think about while flopping that damn rope is that is what my ARMS must have looked like while walking after Thursday’s workout. Now he is supposedly timing this shit, but remember what I said earlier? Since we are talking about ROPES I think we can get back to them stretching the truth. HE says give me ONE minute, In my mind I have already gone through an ENTIRE episode of Seinfeld (without commercials a SOLID 20 minutes) before he says OK GOOD JOB. “You Think??” “No Shit good job I just set a fucking SITCOM record on this USS NC rope bullshit”!!
On to some kind of hoop things tied to some damn piece of equipment for me to grab with both hands, LEAN all the way back into some kind of a squat (which was a damn workout within itself) and PUUUUULLLL myself up CHEST UP (as my man Ronnie says) for either a minute or some count, hell I don’t fucking know. I just kept going trying to keep my eyeballs in my sockets because I was sure them bitches were going to detach and pop right the hell out onto the ground rolling around on a sweaty dirty ass work out floor.
Ok GOOD JOBBBBB my man says. Meanwhile all I can see at this point are little silver stars flying around my eyes only to disappear when I focus in on RONNIE. Next is some BIG ASS flat weight thing that I am supposed to SQUAT (and I wonder why getting off the damn toilet is so tough) down, dig my fingers under, lift up to my chest and then press it to the sky only to…..bring it back down to my chest, SQUAT back down and touch it to the ground and RE-FUCKING-PEAT until he says stop. At this point I have decided I want a fucking NUMBER to count to Ronnie cause I am beginning to loose faith in your TIME KEEPING skills. I mean I have now gone through a Two and a Half Men episode in my mind (which by the way is the worst damn comedy to think about during my torture because we all fucking know Charlie is sitting back smoking a cigar with a drink in his hand laughing his ass off at me) and my man Ronnie is like come on just 30 seconds left. FUUUUUCK!!!
ANNNNND right back to my back-stabbing-ass-bullshit-half-ass-wannabe friend the ROWING machine. Well all I have to say is “FUCK that thing” but I did it. You will probably never guess what was next. WAIT FOR IT…….the ROPE. At this point I am still pleading my case that I simply don’t consider this a fucking ROPE but Ronnie ain’t even hearing that shit. Give me one minute (which we all know is HORSESHIT) but I rock it as hard as I could. In fact I did three sets off all this shit EXCEPT those damn straps with loops on them. I tried my ass off to PUUULLLL, PUUULL, PUULLLL, but I looked at Ronnie with a fear in my eye like he probably had never seen and simply said I am going to end up letting go of these bitches and falling back only to crack my skull open on one of these stupid barbell things so he let me off the hook.
In the end I survived (depending on your definition of surviving) and hobbled my worn out ass to my car for that Surreal eerily quite ride home and laid on the bed for about 20 min moaning while Beans looked at me like I was crazy.
Breakfast: one egg with a piece of ham and a bit of cheese. A slice of Dave’s Killer Bread Organic with 21 whole grains and seeds (sadly the highlight of my eating day, but the shit is good) with some peanut butter and strawberries.
Lunch: had to drive up to Asheville with little time so Chick-Fil-a it was. Grilled chicken sandwich with a side of fruit. Best I could do under the circumstances.
Dinner: Grilled Chicken salad with ALL kinds of veggie shit in it.
Snacks: a few nuts and another banana.
As for eating I have been living by the Motto “EAT REAL FUCKING FOOD” cause your body knows how to process it.
I lived, so Another WIN, and On to another day peeps. SO here is to a new beginning. Remember JUST SHOW UP!! Peace and thanks for following.