Seems like forever since I posted but we had a bit of a set back. These OLD ASS muscles can only take so much after 30 plus years of doing not a damn thing. I do want to start out on a good note though. I made my second goal. YES that’s right I am down to under 225. How ’bout that shit man. This morning weighed in at 224.6. I can actually feel a difference in my clothes. Many have said they can see a difference which is equally as cool. So I can now go Sky Diving again without having to take a damn laxative. Yea you heard that right. I once drank some shit from CVS that my friends call the GREEN MACHINE and let me tell you I lost a little over 3lbs in one night. All so I could go Sky Diving the next day. I will spare ALL the details but will conclude with I would rather loose by working out and eating better over a period of time.
Wednesday was my 21st day and we mostly worked on my arms again. It was tough as always but you just have to push until your arms can’t handle any more. Yes they will be noodles and yes they will BURN like ACID LAVA (still no where near as uncomfortable as a laxative) but it seems the idea is to break them down so they can build themselves back up again. Don’t forget my friend Julie let me know alcohol hurts in the rebuilding process but as I said before fuck her. I think we need some alcohol on the weekends as a reward from ALL the shit we deal with during the week. This was also my DEEP TISSUE massage day and Chiropractic day. Without my massage therapist I would have ultimately fallen over long long ago and flattened (as flat as a fat ass can get) out like a board. This is what she told me my muscles felt like (a board) when I first went years ago. She is a sweet girl with hands of fucking stone, and let me tell you it felt like I fought George Foreman after my first visit. I remember her saying to me “as long as you don’t ask me for a happy ending we will be ok” (I also couldn’t believe people still ask this especially from a true therapist). After what she did to me that first visit I spent months trying to figure out WHAT TYPE OF FUCKER would want a happy ending after THAT SHIT! Yea I got a happy ending alright because it was OVER!! FUUUCCKKK man it was as painful as my workouts if not more. She said she thought I would NEVER come back after watching me walk out of there. Well it has been quite a few years now and I go every other week. It is simply an expense that has to happen or my back will keep me from doing anything. After my massage is when I like to go to the Chiropractor. He says it’s the best time because my muscles are loose and he can adjust easier. For those of you young folk reading this take note cause this is the kind of shit that happens when you get old. All your money goes to maintaining your body when it used to run on Beer, Cigs, reefer, and 3 a.m. death dogs at the Shell station. If you don’t know what a “death dog” is, it is damn near the same as a laxative.
Thursday I was feeling pretty damn good walking through the door. Muscles were loose, good nights sleep, and back was in place. AAAANNNNNNNDDDDD then comes ol’ Ronnie or ONE MORE to take care of that shit. I walk up he says HAPPY THURSDAY (because that fucker is excited about kicking my ass) and says We Goin to Wear your butt out today. WTF?? Like, have we not already been doing this? Are you the same fucking guy I have been working with or are aliens taking your ass over at night? Anyway he puts these boxing type gloves on me, (of course I am excited to an extent because I just want to hit that fucker once and then call time out) and points to that fucking ROW MACHINE, my new “best friend” the JUMP ROPE then says we are going to box. BOX? I thought. I hope BOXING is first cause I only got a few seconds of fight in me and I want to make sure I get to knock your ass around while I am still fresh. Of course looking him I am not all that confident in knocking his ass around but oh well at least I get to try. Well I was only allowed to hit the pads on his hands. Now there were times I wanting to MISS them hands and put my fist through his face but by that time I had nothing left on my punches because he made sure the fucking ROW MACHINE and JUMP ROPE were first. 1.5 minutes doing each (I think it was 1.5 because you know these trainers are not the most honest people on the planet during the workout). Listen it sounds like this workout was nothing but it liked to KILLED ME!! By the third time on that fucking ROWING MACHINE I could barely stay on. I just allowed my mind to zone out but I began dreaming about falling into the ocean and getting eaten my a great white shark that was yelling “COME ON ONLY ‘BLANK’ MORE SECONDS” over and over and over. Finally I crawl myself off that piece of bullshit machinery and grab the JUMP ROPE for the THIRD (yep fucking THIRD) time and began to go. Remember those who have not seen me please understand I have one hell of a GUT, LOVE HANDLES, and CHEST that is mostly if not all FAT and trying to jump all that shit in the air by using mostly my SKINNY ASS TIGHT calves is a medical emergency waiting to happen. After almost tripping myself on multiple occasions because my SKINNY ASS calves can no longer handle the pounding they were receiving, Ronnie says COME ON FIVE MORE SECONDS. I muster up every fucking ounce (and yes it is measured in ounces at this point) of energy I had left to finish off the last 5 seconds. I hear Ronnie say FIVE……..(I am imagining this in slow motion with ALL MY MIGHTY FAT falling hard toward the ground and my calves are SCREAMING WHAAAATTT THE FUUUUCKKK ARE YOU DOING DUDE), then FOUR…………ANNNNNNNNNDDDDD BAAAAAAMMMMMM…….the worst cramp I have ever felt in my life currently happening in my right calf. HOLY FUCKING SHIT that pain was excruciating, yet I tried one more Jump before I hit the ground in AGONY. It was bad folks. Ronnie had a shear terror look on his face. He went and got some kind of something (I was blinded by pain so at this point shit was dark) and helped me roll out my muscle. I didn’t understand what the hell was happening to me because I have never felt that kind of pain before. I had to ultimately call Melissa and get on her table with some suction cups and hot rocks for 20 minutes. Thank god for that woman let me tell you. I don’t know if I would have been able to walk for a few days. I actually had to go back the next day and her husband (who owns the barber shop next door) was there and looked at me and said, ‘this is the third day in a row you have been in here do I need to start worrying about you and my wife’ LOL. Apparently she doesn’t give him the same massage she gives my ass because after about 10 min of her working on my calf I turned around and said ‘you tell your husband he can have your ass I don’t want anyone in my live that inflicts this much pain’. She seemed to think I may have some micro tears and the cramp because of how much pain and the way the muscle was bulging.
In the end folks I didn’t work out on Friday because I could barely walk. I was much better Sunday and Monday and was able to continue on Monday (Blog to follow). I was actually upset I couldn’t work out on Friday as I wanted to keep going but I am excited to have reached another goal. The weekend was a normal Lake weekend with my newly found love of Vodka and Diet Tonic, except I cooked in a BBQ cook off. The cool thing is my friends literally brought healthy sides to eat with the BBQ. How cool is that shit? The support I am getting on this is amazing. Many are rooting for me and cheering me on and it makes it a whole lot easier to deal with. Thanks to everyone for the support but mostly thanks to Ronnie for staying with me and pushing. We had a small set back but that is to be expected under the circumstances of my old ass. I am still with it and have just a bit over 4 lbs to loose to have reached my first big goal of 220. So far I have gone from 237 and some change to 224.6 so 13 lbs total. Like I said earlier I can tell a difference.
Thanks again for reading guys and Here’s to another new beginning. Remember it all starts with JUST SHOWING UP.